Happy and Sad.......

Well, I am happy today as my friend Lesley and her family celebrate the birth of their daughter....how wonderful for them....what a joyfull event. But, the bigger half of me is angry, hurt, sad, jealous all in one. Is it ok for me to feel this way? I am jealous....more than I really realize I think. It really hurts my heart to try and be happy for someone who has something that I really want.....isnt that selfish? Isnt that a terrible thing to think and feel......I just want to be normal....I want to have children. And the more I think about it right now, the angrier I feel.....I guess I better not blog tonight.

Talking about my condition....

I have PCOS. What is that? Well, it stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I know, that sure clears it up, doesnt it? :) So, I will try to briefly explain pcos to you, in terms that make sense. Every month during a woman's cycle and egg is released. Well, in women with pcos, the egg does not release, instead they stay in the ovaries and create a pearl like cyst on the wall of the ovaries. Therefore, there is no egg being released.

Because I am working very closely with a fertility clinic, they monitor EVERYTHING in my cycle. I have drugs I take on certain days, and the clinic does internal ultrasounds and blood work from day 10 of my cycle until the moment I surge (ovulate). It amazes me that technology has come this far to be able to know all of this. And, even more amazing that there are people who care this much about babies, and women to learn and train to specialize in this area! What a blessed world we have!

Anyway, there is a brief explination of why this is such a challange for us. Having PCOS makes this whole baby thing a challange. A normal woman, with nothing hindering her, has only a 15-20% chance of getting pregnant each month as it is.....so, my condition drops that statistic way down......but again, whe have a wonderful medical system to help us. Thank you SOFT clinic.......you are a blessing to us!!!

A new year.....a new hope.....

I want to wish everyone a wonderful new year, with much love and happiness. I myself have a fresh new outlook for this year. I think this is my year.......who knows what it has in store. I feel focused today, determined and driven...that is good I think.

I took down the tree today and thought the whole time about the day I put it up. The saddness I was experiencing, the loss, the depression. A few short weeks later, and I am feeling quite hopeful. I am happy today. I havent felt happy, truely happy, for a few weeks now and it's a good feeling.

God Bless you all this year, and may He protect you every day!!