Hmmmm.......

So....the season is almost over. Kinda sad. But, I survived. I guess that is important. As good of a time as it all was, Christmas eve was the hardest I think. The Christmas eve service at church was all about the blessed birth of Jesus. As good as that is, it was hard for me to be joyful when I had experienced the loss that I did earlier this month. But, again, I made it through. Every tuesday I look at my calander and think "oh, I would be 8 weeks today".....will that thought ever leave? Will I ever not think of what would have been? When do I get past these feelings of disappointment and hurt?

Well, for anyone who cares about the "process" I will update you on our status. So, after a miscarriage, you basically wait until your cycles become normal again. Now, mine were never normal to start with, so I just wait....and wait and wait.....As soon as things get going again, we are back to the clinic and back on the drugs (perscription of course). So, I am trying hard to just be patient. Our time will come....I know it......but until then, I hope to just be able to patiently get through the days......this is one aspect of my life that I cant control at all. Is that my lesson? Is this trying to teach me to let go of control? I just wish I understood all of this......

Some Christmas Thoughts...

Well, I have a few thoughts this Christmas, so I thought I'd share them. They aren't deep, or not really even worth reading, but again, this blog is mainly for my own therapeutic use. Sometimes it helps to write things down.

So, what are my thoughts you ask...well.....here it is in a nutshell......I think Christmas truly is the most awesome time of year. I think every day I have to take a breath is a blessing from God. I think that with or without children Christmas is magical. Every aspect of it is pure magic. All the wonders and miracles and blessings.....magic.

I pray blessings to all my family and friends this Christmas....May God's love surround you each every day, so much so that you can't help but smile when you think about that truth.

So I say Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!!!!

Ugh....another day.....

It was just another day for me. Another day in the retail world. Ugh. Retail at Christmas SUCKS!! Especially this year. It is SOOO SLOOOOWWWWW......Very frustrating. Well, today was another tough day. I had a customer come in today looking for some empire waisted tops to wear for the first little bit of her pregnancy....I almost had a meltdown!! It got me thinking....this was gonna be my year! MY CHRISTMAS!!!! I was gonna be able to tell family by doing some weird thing as a christmas gift to let them know the good news. I was gonna be able to tell my grandma that if we were having a girl we were going to name her Grace, after her. I was supposed to be able to give my mom and dad a present from "the baby".....it SUCKS that I dont get to do any of that!! I will admit I had a moment today. A couple of them. But, tomorrow is a new day....right?!

Cookie Exchange Day

So, I am off to a cookie exchange with some ladies at work. I spent the entire day baking. I guess it was fun. It really kept my mind off of other things going on in life. Until now that is. I've finished all my baking, everything is wrapped up and ready to go, so thought I would take this opportunity to put down some thoughts for the day.

I have realized over the past week what WONDERFUL friends and family I have. I've always known this fact, but it's the ones who are there through good and bad that amaze me. You see, I have a lot of friends in my life....a lot. There are varying stages of my friendships...some are an occasional coffee or phone chat kinda friends, others are the I tell you everything and you still love me kind of friends. I have a few of those.........who I just dont think I could survive without. Of course there is my dear husband too....so I guess I am surrounded by friends. I do have to say though, my friend Tichelle has been a true friend....poor girl listens to every aspect of life especially the fertility stuff....she too has been through the process. She really understands the emotions involved. I appreciate that....more than I think she knows. Oh....I just have so many wonderful friends! I could spend hours typing about why I love each one of them so much! If you ever question how I feel about you, please dont hesitate to ask...I would gladly share my thoughts on our friendship! :)

So, by the sounds of this post, your probably thinking I'm having a good day....and yes, I am. My dad stopped by today (next time stay longer pa....I'll make you supper), and my husband was just wonderful today...like he always is. I will take this good day I am having and pray the Lord gives me more days like this.

But, I did spend a little time today thanking the Lord for all he has blessed us with, and asked him to take care of our angel......we think about him everyday!

Day Two of blogging.....

Ok....so this is my second day in a row. Now, I will say it is late at night, so this may not be a long one, but I guess every entry counts....right?!

So, yesterday turned out to be a tough day for me. I think by the end of the night, I cried myself to sleep. The whole experience of losing a child has been traumatic for me. We've waited so long, and had the dream as such a tangible thing, sitting in the palm of our hands.....and then in one moment it was taken away. That was hard. Very hard. What happend yesterday made it yet a bit harder. I had blood work done in the morning. You see, when you miscarry, the clinic monitors when your HcG levels get back to zero....back to normal....back to square one. Well, yesterday they told me everything was back at that first square.....that was hard to hear. Now, the good side of that is that we can now move forward and start the process again. The bad side is that it was a sign that I need to move forward. That is hard for me to understand. But, what can I do about it? What's done is done. I have to trust that God will see me through this.

How is my faith you may ask? Well, I have to say, it is the thing that makes me able to get up in the morning. I don't know what I would do without knowing that something bigger is taking care of me. What would the purpose of each day be? What would be the point of my life? I know that my God is bigger than any medical issue I face, or any amount of depression I deal with. That is something awesome about me and my life. Maybe I don't share my faith enough, maybe I don't talk about my Saviour on a regular basis....but, this is what I know.....I know I have a Saviour who loves me and has his hand on my life. And, I know that without my faith, I wouldn't be where I am today. And quite honestly, I wouldnt want to be anywhere else right now.

Anyway, God bless you all....and please do me a favor....look at your heart......look at your life...are you where you want to be? Are you living the life you know you should be? Where does your faith lie?

Trying out this blog thing.....

Well, I thought I would give it a try. So much is happening in my life right now, it just might be easier this way....easier to keep friends and family updated on my journey.....our journey through life. You see.....the whole story starts years ago......3.5 to be exact. July 2nd, 2005....the day I married the love of my life. A day I will never forget. Ugh.....do I start this all now?! This could be a lengthy post.....maybe just an overview....a quick update......hmmmm.........

So, I married Nader Pasha Atefi in July of 2005. Again, the best day of my life so far. It was a wonderful, hot summer day. We were surrounded by everyone we loved. We had a vision, a dream of what we saw for our future. Kids, a house, a dog....all those wonderful things. Well, if only we knew then what we know now. Our journey for a baby started not long after that....yes, that has consumed my life for the last 3.5 years. A baby......a dream so big that seems so out of reach. A dream I think about everyday. Well, years of doctors, drugs, needles, trips to the clinic and still no results.....until November 25th. A day I will never forget....a day of dreams unravling, dreams being realized, dreams with an end in sight. I WAS PREGNANT!!! I wanted to shout it from the roof top!! Well, not more than a week later, my world came crashing down around me. So, I am back at square one.....still praying for my dreams to be fullfilled, still praying for a baby. A miscarriage is an aweful things to go through. Aweful. My life for the last week has been spent learning how to deal with this information. Today I am having a good day.....but who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Well......a little longer of an overview than I thought. Anyway....I am going to make this blog a regular thing....so that whoever is interested can follow us to the fullfillment of our dream....the dream that I hold on to so very tightly and close to my heart.....