14 Weeks and Counting...

So....I am now 14 weeks pregnant. YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been feeling quite shocked about this whole thing. I have been quite reserved about it as I was waiting to get through the first few questionable months...but, we've made it. We are there! We are past the 3 month mark! I am beside myself...in disbelief.

Our dreams, our visions of what God has for us are comming to fruition. God is blessing us greatly by this tiny miracle. We've seen the little one twice now and can hardly believe what our Awesome God is doing!! What a blessing!

We just ask to keep us in your prayers....keep this little one in your prayers. Nader and I pray every morning for God's hand on this little life and we believe it's there...every minute of every day. Praise the Lord!

So....no news is good news....right??

Well, I have taken my time with this post. I dont want to do anything to "jinx" our good news. Both of my Beta's were positive, yeah! But, I of course am being human about this whole thing. Last time I miscarried at 5 weeks, 4 days. Today I am 5 weeks, 3 days and nervous as heck! I had a friend tell me not to worry cause he said "its gonna be good this time, nothing to worry about". I so badly want to believe him, and I think deep down in there somewhere I think I do believe him. I am just being too human about it all i think.

This is when I need to let go and let God! lol! what a corny, but true saying!! :) We are fully leaving this in Gods hands and I think I spend every free minute praising God for this wonderful Gift! Nader and I pray every morning and every night, asking Him to protect this little one and help him to grow strong and healthy. And, we believe that God has this little one in the palm of his hand. Isnt that a GREAT thing to believe!! So, we take every day God gives us and praise Him for this miracle.

So, my first ultrasound is July 8th....I will be 8 1/2 weeks by then and we are hoping to see a strong healthy heartbeat!!

So, please keep us in your prayers, daily if possible! This little one means so much to us! I will keep you updated!

May 25th....IUI number 8....or 7....I cant remember....

Tomorrow is the day....another try at this baby making thing! :) So, because I am closely monitored at the fertility clinic, I know my folicles and their sizes.....typical is 1-2....I have 4....yes, I said it....FOUR!!!!!! A good measurement is from 18-21......really, anything over 18 is good, and obviously the bigger the better....so, what are the sizes you may ask....well, 17, 20, 21 and 26!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow....I am extatic...plus, this is day 14....yes, that is right....I surged on my own on day 14!

So....think of me, pray for me tomorrow morning....Monday, May 25th.....at 9:15am. That is when the IUI happens.....and I pray....I PRAY this happens for us this month.

Day 11...

So, yesterday was day 11 for me. Went in for my normal blood work and ultrasound and to my surprise I have a folicle at 19!! 19....yes, I said NINE-TEEN!!!!!! Already!! Normally my folicles are barely at 19 on day 19....this is good....really good, I hope. I am trying not to get too excited, but I am staying hopeful. However, there is another half to me....the evil half who always sees the glass as half empty.....the doubtful half.

Maybe a vacation will do me good.....

to my dear friend...you know who you are...what people say and do to us sucks. The amount of anger we have to unleash at times sucks. but just know that i am right in this journey with you and will deflate whatever tires need deflating in the middle of the night. love you S.

another negative result.

Well, another let down. Another unsuccessful month. This whole process sure is draining!! Emotionally and physically. I was feeling so positive this month....everything seemed to go well. Everything seemed to be in place and good and right. Mentally I was even prepared for a positive result. Oh well....what can I do about it?? Absolutely nothing!!!

So, I went to the clinic yesterday for my beta, which ended up being my day 3 bloodwork. How is that possible?? This is now the second cycle that I have had an early period.....11 days after the insemination....that isnt right....is there something wrong?? I assume maybe a progesterone issue?? So, does that mean more drugs....more shots?? I guess at this point in the game, what is one more shot, right? What is one more pill? UGH......never in my life did I imagine this fulfilling of a dream would be so difficult!!! I never once thought I'd have a problem conceiving. I thank the Lord everyday to have blessed me with a patient, understanding husband who is WITH me on this journey....supportive, kind, emotional.....just very much a part of the whole process. Thank you Lord for that!!

Anyway, I guess that is it. I am now on drugs for a few days and I go in on tuesday for my day 10 blood and ultrasound. I guess that will be fun? Oh to live a day in my life!!

One down, one to go....

Soooo....after a 23 day cycle I surged.....on my own too!!! Yippee!! So I was inseminated on tuesday, April 28th and again on the 29th. There was a low sperm count on the first day so we "did a double"...hehe....that is fertility lingo. Anyway, I am now one week into the waiting. I hate this part. The first week goes by quickly. Then, starts the second week. It is a week of torture. Do I act as though I'm pregnant? Do I let myself think that cramp in my stomach is the fetus attaching? Do I let myself think that little twinge of sickness in the morning is because I'm expecting or because I am hungry when I wake up?

Ugh, I hate this part! I dread the call from the clinic on the day of the beta. I always hope to hear a great, enthusiastic "congratulations, you're pregnant" but then am hit with disappointment.....time after time. This time does feel different to me....it really does. It feels like such a possibility to me, it is a little bit exhillerating. Just a few bits of date related triggers.....I would find out right around mothers day. Also, my due date would be about the 12th of January....which is my dad's birthday. Wouldnt that be neat?!

Anyway, I know ultimately it isnt up to me.....but I really feel it could be time.....God has prepared me, and Nader and us as a couple. I truely have my trust in Him, just find the patience part of it hard to deal with.

Well, let the waiting continue......

Day 17 and waiting...

Ok.....day 17 is here, and my folicles are 15 and 16.....kinda small for day 17, but as long as they grow before the surge it's all good. My numbers really are not doing much at all right now. Still low.....in the 200's. Hopefully it'll have a good jump showing a really great surge and then we have a great fertilization and implantation and first trimester......ok........I think I am getting out of control....I guess I've got to think positive....right?! :)

A small glimmer of hope....small, but a glimmer none the less!

Well, we went to see our Doctor today. I wanted to meet with him and find out what his thoughts are on where we are at and what to do next. He was so positive....so full of hope for us, which was nice.

We are definately on the right track. He thinks we have my ovulation down pat, now we need to improve DH's sperm count. It's not bad, but the higher the better. So, DH is on some vitamins to help increase that. Also, the fact that I do ovulate, is good....really good....and the fact that I have gotten pregnant once is good.

So, I guess the moral of the story is we continue to move forward. We are taking steps in the right direction, and things are looking good according to the Doctor. So, that is where we are at. I feel a bit better today, but am still frustrated that it has taken this long. I just long for the day to hold our precious little one....I guess it'll come.

CD 10....What am I supposed to feel??

So, as you can see from the title, this is cycle day 10. I have to go in for blood work and ultrasound today. Ask me how I feel about this. Nervous. I just want this one to work, I just want it to be successful.

We do have an appointment with our doc tomorrow morning, just to discuss where we are at, what to do next if this round doesnt work. I need to have this appointment. I need to see what my chances are and what the reality is going forward. My mind has been drifting to a surrogate. The possibility of having someone else carry my child has been on my mind. Is being pregnant something I'm willing to give up in order to have a child? Is that bond one I am willing to go without? Will that affect my relationship with my child? Can we afford the cost of surrogacy? Can we find someone to carry our child who will likely end up pregnant the first time around? These are the questions that surround my mind on a daily basis.

It's no wonder I don't get a lot of sleep every night.

UGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So.....I am very frustrated!!! VERY FRUSTRATED!!! I have no real reason to be frustrated yet, and really no news.....I am just in a mood. I can't say too much on here, as I don't want to offend people, but I am just frustrated!

Why me???? Why wont it happen?? Am I being punnished for something? Is there no baby for me?? Is it not my destiny to have a child?? Why is this desire in me SO strong, and yet it is so challanging?? UGH!

I want to cry, scream, yell, be quiet, punch, curl up in bed and never get out and drink all at once! It is starting to hurt....the pain of all of this is starting to be too much for me to bare. WHY?????

Ok....so this is an honest post...what can I say?

Once, Twice, Six times a charm??

That is right. I was inseminated for the 6th time today. Everything went well, with the exception of my breakdown at the clinic! I felt so dumb. I dont even know what brought it on! But, they are so good there! She just let me cry and cry and cry. I am nervous and scared and excited and apprehensive all in one. We have experienced a lot of sorrow through this process and a little bit of joy...oh how i remember the joy. I know one day I'll feel that joy again, but when?!?!

Anyway, so now I wait again. You'd think by now my patients would have grown, that I would be able to wait without getting anxious....but no!

Anyway.....I should go now. I am tired, very tired.

Back into the groove of things...

So.....2 months later I am heading back into the groove of fertility clinic life. I had my blood taken today. So, we are off to the races....again.....I have a good feeling about this. A really good feeling.

Not as easy as I thought....

So I admit, this whole blogging thing isn't as easy as I thought. Not that I dont think about it, but, actually finding the time to sit and do it is hard!! But, I am here again, writing, so I guess that is good. :) So, what's new....well, still no baby progress. Still waiting on my monthly friend so that we can get started again. You know, the miscarriage really knocked me down. I thought it would be easier to move on from, but it's not. It's hard. I think about it everyday. I wonder if this is normal? I wonder what the plans are for me and Nader? I wonder how many children we'll have, what they will be like, what color hair they'll have, will they be stubborn like me, or mild mannered like Nader? I really cant wait to meet them....some day.......
Well, until then, I will continue to blog...blog blog blog.....that is what I will do!! Nighty Night!

Happy and Sad.......

Well, I am happy today as my friend Lesley and her family celebrate the birth of their daughter....how wonderful for them....what a joyfull event. But, the bigger half of me is angry, hurt, sad, jealous all in one. Is it ok for me to feel this way? I am jealous....more than I really realize I think. It really hurts my heart to try and be happy for someone who has something that I really want.....isnt that selfish? Isnt that a terrible thing to think and feel......I just want to be normal....I want to have children. And the more I think about it right now, the angrier I feel.....I guess I better not blog tonight.

Talking about my condition....

I have PCOS. What is that? Well, it stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I know, that sure clears it up, doesnt it? :) So, I will try to briefly explain pcos to you, in terms that make sense. Every month during a woman's cycle and egg is released. Well, in women with pcos, the egg does not release, instead they stay in the ovaries and create a pearl like cyst on the wall of the ovaries. Therefore, there is no egg being released.

Because I am working very closely with a fertility clinic, they monitor EVERYTHING in my cycle. I have drugs I take on certain days, and the clinic does internal ultrasounds and blood work from day 10 of my cycle until the moment I surge (ovulate). It amazes me that technology has come this far to be able to know all of this. And, even more amazing that there are people who care this much about babies, and women to learn and train to specialize in this area! What a blessed world we have!

Anyway, there is a brief explination of why this is such a challange for us. Having PCOS makes this whole baby thing a challange. A normal woman, with nothing hindering her, has only a 15-20% chance of getting pregnant each month as it is.....so, my condition drops that statistic way down......but again, whe have a wonderful medical system to help us. Thank you SOFT clinic.......you are a blessing to us!!!

A new year.....a new hope.....

I want to wish everyone a wonderful new year, with much love and happiness. I myself have a fresh new outlook for this year. I think this is my year.......who knows what it has in store. I feel focused today, determined and driven...that is good I think.

I took down the tree today and thought the whole time about the day I put it up. The saddness I was experiencing, the loss, the depression. A few short weeks later, and I am feeling quite hopeful. I am happy today. I havent felt happy, truely happy, for a few weeks now and it's a good feeling.

God Bless you all this year, and may He protect you every day!!